Teaching With Anxiety.

         Teaching a classroom full of kids with confidence is something that used to feel impossible. Today, five years after I started teaching, the only thing that feels impossible is writing straight on a whiteboard. Despite teaching for so many years, I was anxious standing in front of my class at the beginning of my time here in Morocco. I felt uncomfortable in my own skin, my hands were shaking, and everything I had been planning on saying escaped me in a matter of seconds. I was frozen, but when I looked at my students, I was reminded of why I voluntarily put myself in a situation that spikes my anxiety. 

        In recent years I have felt as if my anxiety is a defining piece of who I am. It is debilitating and affects nearly everything in my life. For years I was afraid to stand in front of my peers and give a presentation or even raise my hand to ask a teacher a question in class. I would stutter through my sentences and speak quickly so it would be over as fast as possible. I have tried what seems like all of the tricks to decrease the severity of my anxiety. I have tried counting, tapping, therapy, medications, and most recently squeezing my buttcheeks. Out of all of the things I have tried, the only thing that has really helped me is teaching. I have overcome my fear of public speaking because when I teach, all of my stress and worry melts away. This has also bled into other parts of my life, causing me to feel comfortable in my own skin again. I am kinder, more empathetic, and am more willing and open to loving others wholeheartedly and without fear. 

        The things that I have experienced during my time with Children's Global Alliance have altered who I am as a person and how I view the world completely. Visiting the homes and families of the students I have taught has changed how I treat complete strangers as these people showed me warmth, love, and kindness like I have never seen, before even knowing my name. Experiencing cultures vastly different from my own taught me about acceptance and showed me that there are so many ways to live aside from the way I have always gone through life. Working and falling in love with my students helped me learn the value of creating meaningful connections with others and expressing my love for them. Each lesson I have taught and every lesson I have learned while working with students in Nepal, Tanzania, Cambodia, and here in Morocco have not only been an incredible learning opportunity but have also helped me overcome my fears and shape me as a person entirely, which is something I wouldn't change for the world. 

The People I Fell in Love With.

            This year a close friend of mine told me that I love others too hard, too fast. It broke my heart. I had never really thought in depth about how I love others until he had mentioned it to me over lunch one day. I realized he was right. For a long time, I was self-conscious and thought it was a bad thing. But recently, someone I really admire told me that because you have endless amounts of love to give, you should end every day feeling as if you can’t give any more love. Maybe that explains why I’ve had my heart broken so many times but still am mostly unguarded.

            Being broken-hearted is one of the worst feelings in the world. I’ve been hurt mainly by people and a few events, but the hurt in those situations will never compare to how it feels when we leave the kids. Saying goodbye is something I’ve always hated with a passion, but it’s especially hard when a piece of your heart is being ripped from your chest because it is attached to another person.

            Kemain is the most recent person who has taken a piece of my heart, but every child I’ve taught over the past three years with CGA has taken a piece of my heart as well. They have taught me more about happiness, kindness, and love than I ever thought possible. The kids have left me with memories of how their laughter sounds, how it looks to be genuinely happy, and what it feels like to truly love another person. I’ve learned so much about life and myself because of the kids, but I also learned how important it is to have strong friendships.

            Eleven days ago, when we left the states, I barely knew the other students on this trip. However, I’m coming home with four new best friends, one too many inside jokes, and a love for laughing until I cry. The five of us bonded over coffee at a Catfé where all the cats were skittish, in a tuk-tuk where we spilled the tea, at the school teaching or playing with the kids, and over late-night lesson planning sessions where they ate all my snacks.

            This trip has been so much different than my other two trips with CGA. The people here are so kind and so open; our group worked well together. I’ve done things this trip that I never thought I would do, made meaningful connections with our tuk-tuk drivers and translator, and have had my heart broken more times in the past few days than I have in a very long time. All of these people and things made this trip go by way too fast and have made me consider “missing” my flight home just so I can stay with them a little longer. Pieces of my heart will always be here, and I will miss this place for the rest of my life.

Positivity is Contagious.

        From the greens of the trees to the blues, reds, and yellows of the buildings, this city is dripping with color. Since I’ve always been drawn to brightly colored things, it was easy for me to love the city of Phnom Penh. I didn’t fall in love with the country until I interacted with the locals; they exude love and kindness that comes with not being afraid that other people will hurt you. I’ve only seen this lack of fear in places where the people have experienced significant tragedy.

        From 1975 to 1979, the Khmer Rouge tortured and killed over three million people. They turned high schools into prisons where they would torture anyone who was educated or looked smart and would accuse them of being a spy to justify their actions. Once the soldiers had gotten all they needed from the prisoners, they would transport them to the killing fields and kill them. Now, there is a stupa in the middle of one of the two thousand fields that hold the skulls and bones of the victims killed in cold blood. Out of the millions detained, only seven survived. Three adults and four children. Despite everything these people have gone through, they are incredibly kind and vibrant and have passed these qualities onto their children. 

        The kids at the school we’ve been teaching at are always laughing, passionate about learning, and are full of life. Their positivity is utterly contagious. When we were scraping paint off the wall or the staircase, the kids would try to take the sanding brushes and paper from us. Each time I’d tell them no, they would then pout and watch for a while and again try to help us. While they would watch us, they would sing little songs in Khmer, recite funny rhymes, or play hand games. It’s nearly impossible to stay on task when the kids are singing in your ear or begging you to play games with them. One boy, in particular, is constantly asking to be picked up, spun in circles, fly like superman, or flip upside down like spider-man. His name is Kemain, and he has completely stolen my heart.

        I’d be happy for my arms to feel like jelly (because of paint scraping) for the rest of my life if it meant my heart would feel this full and my smile was this big all the time. We’ve only been here for four days, and I already never want to come home because of the bonds I’ve created with the kids, and I cannot wait to create new ones and deepen the ones I’ve already made.

Compassion, Fireworks, & The Value of Honesty.

I’ve known three of my best friends for almost fourteen years. Not only have they taught me the importance of empathy and that honesty is worth more than money, but they are also constantly pushing me to become a better person than I was yesterday. They encourage me, usually with force, to go outside my comfort zone; I’ve jumped off cliffs skiing that I thought we0re absurdly high, gotten kicked out of a Walmart by building a toilet paper fort, and shot fireworks at the ground (they ricocheted and nearly hit us) due to their encouragement. Without growing up in a small community, I don’t think I would have created such meaningful relationships with other kids my age; I know that I wouldn’t be nearly as honest, as compassionate, or as bold if I didn’t have such strong bonds with the people I care about. I’ve become bolder because the size of my comfort zone has increased through being pushed to do things I’m not necessarily comfortable with, learned the value of honesty after having to rebuild relationships with friends after my trust has been broken, and have more compassion for others after listening to what the people I care about are going through.

Living in the Vail Valley is incredible. There isn’t any traffic, the air is clean, and we have the ability to do things outside year-round. However, it does have its shortcomings. While we have world-class ski slopes and hiking trails out our back doors, we lack the opportunity kids in cities have, such as diverse programs and exposure to different cultures. Diversity makes people of different cultures, ethnic backgrounds, religions, and classes interact and learn from each other. It makes them respect other humans, not just people of their own “type.” Empathy towards other humans increases.

Through Children’s Global Alliance (CGA), I have met people and been exposed to cultures. I never thought I’d experience. Leaving my safe haven to travel to developing countries with CGA impacted me more than I ever imagined. I am a more outgoing and kind person than I was three years ago. I behave differently in social situations and am constantly thinking about how I affect others. I’ve been incredibly fortunate to have grown up with such a privileged life in the valley and have seen much of the opposite when visiting developing countries. It serves as a constant reminder of the responsibility I feel to give back to others.

I do not believe that people are made into the people they are solely based on where they grew up. I have not only been impacted by the people I surround myself with and the place I grew up, but I’ve also been affected by the experiences I’ve had, both at home and abroad. I am eternally grateful for the people that support me daily and the experiences I’ve had that have shaped me into the person I am today; I hope that I may impact others the way the people I care about have impacted me by supporting others and their passions, help them if they are at a low point in life, or even help them celebrate if they are thriving and happy.

A Brief History of Cambodia.

The people and children I have met and taught throughout my travels have changed me in ways words cannot express. I hope my visit to Cambodia will be as impactful as my other trips. I am excited to meet new people, learn new things, and grow from the experience. As I will most likely change after visiting, it is important to note how much change the country has already been through. Opportunities for young people, education, health, infrastructure, and more have already undergone so much improvement. Although there is still much to improve upon, the country is headed in a good direction.

During World War Two, Cambodia was occupied by Japan. In 1945 however, that was quickly ended. In the meantime, a compelling war of politics has the country in shambles. In 1981, Cambodia refused to accept any new form of government. The country’s name changed from Kampuchea, Democratic Kampuchea, and back to the State of Cambodia (when Buddhism was reinstated as the dominant religion), which all took place from 1975-1989. An uneasy peace was felt throughout the country for six years from 1991-95 because of a peace treaty signed in Paris. Recently, border tensions have eased, and the King, Norodom Sihamoni, has stepped down but still resides in the country. After the King stepped down, Cambodia has been run by the Prime Minister, Hun Sen, since 1998.

This leads to the life I will experience, grow, and learn from. An average of 90-95% of the population is “Khmer” or “Cambodian,” which shows there isn’t much migration happening to or from the country. Still, the country is one of the largest growing populations in Asia. In Cambodia, agriculture accounts for 90% of the gross domestic product or income. However, rice has always been a priority. It is a vital economic factor in Cambodia’s society. Secondary crops that contribute to the economy are such plants as maize, cassava, sweet potatoes, soybeans, sesame seeds, groundnuts, dry beans, and rubber. Rubber is important as it is one of the country’s few sources of foreign exchange. Raising livestock is also normality in the country. Textile production is also a very large industry that affects people all over the world. Take a look at the tags on your shirt; it may have been made in Cambodia!

The rapidly changing lifestyle and society in Cambodia today contribute to the majority population that lives in rural areas. It is a country made up of an arrangement of cultures; different ethnic groups speak different languages and follow different beliefs. Most of the people have one thing in common: poverty. The average yearly income of a typical Cambodian household is $1,228.50 USD. Whereas the average income of a household in the US is $59,039 USD.

All the change and development found in the country is helping to create a successful future and will help the country thrive. A goal for the people is to have at least ten years of schooling. This will form the basic building block for a much more productive workforce. Education is power. Then, Cambodia will move forward with specialized vocational or tertiary education and matching employee skills to employer needs. Currently, there are tons of organizations and non-profits aiding in educating and developing the vocational skills of the population. Overcoming these obstacles and preparing for the future will give Cambodia the extra push towards adapting to the developed world.

I hope to be of service wherever I am needed most. I cannot wait to fall in love with the Cambodian people and culture. I am excited, and this newfound knowledge of the country has only increased my excitement. I intend for this opportunity to help teach me and enable me to grow emotionally and mentally.

Doing What I Love.

        I was four years old when I discovered my passion for helping others. However, I never pictured myself being able to do what I love as a fifteen-year-old high school student. I have traveled to Nepal and Tanzania with Children’s Global Alliance (CGA) over the past two summers. This year I am fortunate enough to have the chance to go to Phnom Penh, Cambodia, in July of 2019 as my third trip with CGA.
     I honestly don’t remember what my life was like before I fell in love with the kids I taught, but I know that these trips changed my life. Of course, I still love playing lacrosse, dancing, going to YoungLife, playing Star Wars Battlefront with my twin brother, and screaming the lyrics to my favorite songs with my best friends—but there are parts of me that have been altered. I’m more outgoing, I have more confidence, I’m conscious of how I act every day, and I’m able to laugh at myself when I mess up.
     A month and a half ago, I was in a bike accident and shattered my left collarbone, got a severe concussion, broke my nose in six places, broke my right hand, and bruised my ego—all because I was going a little too fast. Since then, I’ve been struggling with PTSD and depression as an addition to the anxiety I’ve had since I was a child. One of the things that have gotten me through the past few weeks are the children I fell in love with. Whenever I’m low, I think about how Enock would taunt me while playing soccer, how Nishan’s eyes would light up when he answered a question right, or how Ebenezer was always making me laugh with the faces he made and the jokes he cracked.
     After the experiences I had with my student mentors on my CGA trips, I hoped to become a mentor in the future. As the student mentor for Cambodia, I want to help my peers with anything they might need; lesson plans, blogs, and help them discover their passions.

Saying Goodbye.

        I have fallen in love with this small country in East Africa, and saying goodbye is going to be one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. I arrived two weeks ago knowing I’d fall in love with the kids in my class but didn’t imagine all the beautiful things I’d fall for as well. Some things will be etched in my memories for the rest of my life: like jumping with Maasai warriors; walking into Class 3 and being greeted with twenty-seven smiling kids saying, “Good morning Teacher Grace,” in unison; or how the sky looks when the first rays of the sun come over the summit of Mount Meru early in the morning. There are also things that time will slowly take from me, like the bright yellow of the sunflower fields, how the air smells after a thunderstorm, and how the broken English of the locals sounds.
     My parents have always told me, “All good things must come to an end.” Heartbreakingly, my time in Arusha is coming to an end. I’m coming home with more than I came with; each student in my class has taught me something. Alice helped me understand the importance of laughter, Ebenezer told me that your happiness should come before everything else, Enock taught me to persevere no matter your circumstances, and Emily taught me to enjoy the little things in life. Going home, I want to honor the kids at LOAMO and the lessons I learned from them. I want to remember that laughing is essential, especially when laughing at yourself. I want to remember that I’m the only one who can let someone else make me unhappy. I want to work as hard as Enock every day, doing things I’m passionate about. I want to look at the little things in life and remember that they all add up to enhance life’s beauty.
     Before I fell in love with the kids, nine thousand miles was just a number. Now that I love them with every piece of me, it’s the number of miles between us. Saying goodbye will break my heart in two, and when I miss them more than anything else, I just have to look up and remember the sun I’m looking at is the same one they’re looking at. The moon I look at is the same moon they look at. With this, I hope I can realize that we aren’t all that far apart after all.